The concentric circles of love and friendship

My Dearest Friend,

Imagine a set of concentric circles, like growth rings on a tree stump or rings on a target. Next, imagine yourself standing in the middle – the bullseye, if you will. Then imagine the first (innermost) ring is the relationship that is most important to your life. And the next furthest ring contains the second most important relationship.

And so on, and so forth. Keep creating circle rings, prioritizing your relationships with either individuals (your spouse, your best friend that you've known since high school) or groups (parents, siblings, different types of friends).

Maybe it would help your visualization to get a piece of paper and a pencil!

My own concentric circles

My love and friendship with God is in the innermost circle. God and I stand there together in a covenant of love and friendship.

Working outward from the center, my relationship to my wife is in the next circle, then our children, then our parents, then our siblings, etc. I believe that should be the general order of things for each of us. "Family first," as the saying goes.

My outward set of rings are members of our extended families, family-like friends, friends from our regular social groups, etc. You, my friend – even though I love you dearly – are the outermost circle.

Mistakes we should avoid

One of the foremost mistake that I have made – and have observed other people make – in love and friendship is the temptation to invert or re-order the set of circles.

For example, I shouldn't neglect God for my spouse, my spouse for our children, our children for our other family members... you get the idea.

When we make such a mistake, we create in imbalance because we expend our energy in a manner that is not proportionate to the proximity in the relationship.

There is always a temptation to spend overmuch time and energy on "outer" relationships that might be new or novel. It is also tempting to try to do good or solve problems in the outer world when we haven't engaged sufficiently with those persons closer to us.

I see these problems most on social media – we can neglect those in our own household or family for people that we have never, and will never, meet in person. I also see problems when people pursue important causes to such an extent that it causes them to neglect their own family. And of course, we need to beware of putting our business relationships ahead of our family relationships.

I even need to carefully consider the time and effort it takes to write to you, My Dearest Friend! Even though I desire to help and heal your heart – to support your life in love – if I'm getting out of touch with my wife or children, I can't make time for writing these letters.

Self-awareness and return to center

In my own life, I have discovered that self-awareness of my own intellectual, emotional, and physical strengths and weaknesses is critical to relationship success. This helps me to be realistic about what I can do or should do by comparison to what I like to think that I can do and what I am doing.

The path back to the center for each of us should be frequent and easy. If it isn't, we are doing something wrong. Remedying that wrong usually requires that we travel back to the circle where we created the problem, sit in that space until the problem is solved, and then re-evaluate where we have the capacity to travel in the future.

Our strengths and weaknesses place limits on how many circles outward we can travel without losing the ability to "move to center."

I hope this is a helpful lens through which to examine your relationships and the time and energy that you commit to them!

Love always,

John S.